Medicine Wheel 2014

Spring Solstice — Water
I made an effort to dance with water….during the winter.  I just realized that I was probably dancing with ice and my work is to thaw my water dance because it really was hard for me. I also danced with water in the desert and more of my work is to actually find the water.   for reals.     🙂    haha!!
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my first embodiment:  standing in the backyard and the sun had gone down.  I see orion in the night sky.  the fire at my fingertips.  I heard the fountain.  my body starting creating water through falls and drops and splashes.  and fish.
Full Moon in Cancer:::
“as i intentionally journey on my boat of self-commitment down the healing & restorative waters toward my wounds, I travel past the obstacles and surrender to the current of truth & power flowing from my heart”
dancing with water in the moon!  I’m having a hard time moving into this  my mind is scared and my body aches to move.  I feel pressure.  I cried a little and that felt better.  I feel embarrassed and ashamed around people.  sometimes I feel empowered and grounded.  sometimes I feel like hiding. 
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I was dancing to some good beats, trying to connect with my belly and breasts and yoni.  then I realized that I move with a lot of earth and fire.  I am an emotional person, in fact I am working on strengthening emotional intelligence and emotional boundaries.  I cry easily, get depressed, fall in love, get overwhelmed, and break like a dam damaging my relationships and feeling drained.  so I think now…. how can I move with that strong emotion in dance?  how can I be aware of how my body translates emotions into movement?  how can I work that knowledge and not ask others to be responsible for it? 
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last night I was in a hot tub dancing.  I realized how much I needed water around me in order to feel what it’s like to dance water.  I felt the grace and resistance.  the ease of moving my body without strain because of how i was supported in the water.  the resistance of the water in order to move slowly.  and I wondered where I could connect to the grace and resistance in my own body.  my belly.  the womb.  dancing from the womb, dancing in the woman.  re-birth.  dancing to give birth, dancing to be born.  and continuing my animal work/shape shifting.  dancing fish, dolphin, water birds, turtle, whale, sea weed, jaguar, otter, seal.  ocean, river, lake, pond, puddle, rain, snow, hale, tears, sweat, blood, cum, piss.
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I recognize from my own internal misogyny that I fear moving my body in a big way in public.  I carry shame and judgment and I find resistance when I know people are watching.  I oppress & suppress myself. as reflection, in the past I know I’ve oppressed others because I wasn’t comfortable with my self.  I also learned this behavior from oppressive family dynamics.  it’s liberating to move in community and sometimes I can do it.  other days I can’t.  I love watching women of curves move their body and own that.  I fear being visible with my femininity.  I fear sexual abuse, I fear oppression, I fear being seen in my sexual power, I fear being judged.  most of my movement is in isolation…but that feels good right now.  at least I have that.  and the elements keep me company.   and music keeps me company.   as a drummer, I am grateful to be able to embody rhythm through my passion for beats.  unblocking the grief/unleashing the pleasure in my belly/breasts/yoni & swimming towards liberation!
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New Moon in Aquarius:::
as i stand in my unique power, grow from my challenges, believe in my vision & embody freedom, i inspire that liberation in others.”
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I experienced how important to move this fatty, watery, body!!   I have a lot of shame and anger about this body but to push through that and birth my authentic self is so liberating!!
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In the water again. dancing?  music?   rhythm?   water.  compassion?   moving with intention.  whole body.  naked.  loving self.  ease.  support.  swimming.
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I find this so difficult!!!
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ok.  I’m getting something different.  my difficulty is related to shame, expression and sexuality.  i think what i am trying to do is to dance shame out (shame of my body, shame of self-expression and shame of my sexuality) and invite acceptance.  i am trying to dance my self-expression out in front of people (to be visible and alive).   i am trying to dance my sexuality out (embodying the wild woman/person/queer/animal in the creative & destructive natures).
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drink drink drink. emote emote emote. moat moat moat. protect protect protect.
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Luna Llena en Leo::: 
drum drum drum drum drum drum.  fire fire fire fire fire fire.  manifest!!!!   mind through heart to action.  move that energy.   move it.  expand.  create.
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today I cried so much.  because of grief.  because of feeling alone.  so I moved with that.  and I danced in the mirror.  and I celebrated my body.  without a shirt on.  I felt the grief and loneliness move out.  I created a new pattern. a new groove of love and acceptance and nurture and creativity and laughter and sexy.   so good!!
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New Moon in Pisces::: sensitive, compassion, feelings, water, dreams, intuitive, permeable, imaginative, creative, gentle, swim, awareness, introspective.
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I have been experiencing a lot of grief, depression, sadness and loneliness recently.  I can’t move sometimes. I am stuck and in pattern. I received bodywork recently and released grief and joy.  my body holds so much.
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i know i can move with water, but i am not dancing.  to me, dancing is moving freely and creatively and passionately.  with rhythms and sounds.  i still hold back i know i do especially in front of others.  but I am moving more than I have been.  I want to break free now.
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Full Moon Virgo:  grounded in commitment to self.  grounded in love.  drum beat heart beat.  being the example by embodying Truth.  connecting to divinity through my belly an sex.  planting seeds of healthy thoughts for the next generations. being receptive to abundance from spirit.
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spring is here and I’ve started to swim again.  I also pulled physical, emotional, mind and spirit tarot cards related to what work I need to do while I’m here.  my emotions/water card is to connect my belly/sex to spirit/source.

Summer Solstice — Earth

I am in regular practice with earth medicine and when I dance I pull the energy up from the earth, through my feet and into my heart.  I also give the earth any energy that is not healthy for me and ask her to receive it an transform it.

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i’ve been extremely emotional and sensitive as the stars and planets align, my body bleeds and the moon begins to fatten.  tears have been pouring from my eyes, i get a sense of loneliness often and i don’t feel connected to my body.  yesterday i turned on some music and started dancing Earth.  stomping my feet into the ground.  drawing energy up from the core of the earth.  releasing my emotions down.  i just gotta move it through.  i felt better.

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i haven’t been “dancing” much.  it still has a lot to do with shame of body and fear of judgements….but i did have a great Earth experience, an inner dancing.  i went on a hike with some friends, into this bowl of dry earth, scattered junipers and expansive sky. we went to the bottom of the bowl and there was a flowing river with an abundance of bright green plants everywhere.  i felt like i was merging the water and the earth together.  the earth container/belly holding the hidden waters.  i sat down next to the river where the stream collided with large stones and fell into chaos before continuing forward.  in this place i sat where i could hear the river speak the loudest.  i could hear her speak to me in an eternal monologue.  her voice could only be heard when the current flow was disrupted by a sudden shift into the rocks. (there has been a lot of disruption in my life as of lately and i believe that certain voices that were not audible before are clear now, before life continues moving forward again.)  so i sat there and listened to her, trying to translate her language into mine but the closest i got was seeing images when i closed my eyes.  i started focused on how my yoni was connected to and receiving energy from earth mother and how the top of my head was connected to and receiving energy from the star ancestors.  it was powerful and direct.  i felt more powerful in my yoni and able to channel and flow direct wisdom.  then i felt vibrations in the earth from the river flowing and from creatures walking.  i tapped back.  direct communication.  i’ve found power and portals in the past by communicating directly in the moment with nature-languages.  this was my dance.

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again this is more of an observation…. i am mostly a drummer trying to get back into dancing.   i’ve been drumming for a dance class pretty consistently since i arrived in Santa Fe in January.  i’ve noticed that there is intense sexual energy being shared and spent.  there is an exchange of energy between the dancer and drummer.  for me it’s a way to stay grounded and in my body with my sexual energy as i continue to be in ritual.  i love to support the dancers, knowing that they are moving to my beats.  i love to receive hot moves and looks from the dancers and it feeds my drumming.

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i went to the river yesterday.  i cried and i prayed and i asked and i talked and i listened.  then i took my shoes off and stepped onto the earth near the water.  i started dancing and singing around a pile of stones.  i sang to the trees.  i drummed my feet into the earth.  giving thanks.
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today i smudged with sage and connected to sacred earth objects from my altar.  i danced to music playing from my computer.  i was in a place of receiving earth energy instead of giving earth energy.  i felt connected to my powerful, grounded, goddess body.   i felt the energy of being powerful in the world and staying in my power even as life seems to want to shape me into different forms.  i remembered my visions and dreams and passions. i remembered how to hunt and focus and devour.  i remembered how to release and surrender and move.
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i put on some music.  loud.  sexy and hot and bass.  dancing, i remembered
how much i love it.  being comfortable in my body.  i had a drum teacher who said that she started out as a dancer then realized that she was meant to be a drummer.  sometimes i think about that with my path.  i love to drum and am good at it, but think sometimes that i should be dancing.  i think this because even though i connect with rhythm in a deep way when i play, i cannot completely let go or feel creative.  when i dance i feel like i can surrender and create more.
Autumn Equinox — Fire
i remember attending a festival for a few years, feeling comfortable in my skin with my shirt off.  going to “church” on the last day, dancing to the drums.  feeling like the drum leader was making love to all of the dancers with her passionate and healing rhythms.  i went into trance.  i moved like fire.  i touched the earth.  i sweat.  i remember the sun being so hot on that day.  i remember feeling like i was in a giant daytime sweat lodge outside with so many others dancing and singing and sweating and healing.  summertime can be like going to sweat.  it’s ritual.  it’s sun dance.  it’s flesh offerings it’s worshiping the sun it’s praying it’s being in ceremony.  how do i walk my path?  where does my heart lead me?   how do i receive healing?
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to me working with the fire element is working with passion, sex, queer, blood, and creation.
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today i got naked, smoked pot and danced outside under the sun to some jams blasting through the speakers.  two dogs played in the grass and one cat was meditating in the shade.   i could feel all the elements on my skin.  sometimes i would dance moves that i’ve learned, sometimes i would just move.  the more i danced, the more i realized that it was about feeling free and wild.  i used to dance more and i used to be naked more.  recently i’ve been noticing that along with having a hard time dancing or expressing myself, i’ve been feeling that i’m working out different parts of me. like i’ve been writing more, talking more, expressing emotion more through talk, thinking more, “doing” less, being less passionate, doing deeper into parts of me that need to be looked at.  maybe it’s like a season or cycle, where i will begin dancing again more and thinking less.  or expressing and creating more and crying less.  dancing under the sun made me realize how drenched i’ve been from living near the ocean.  how i connected to a wildness there too.  i’ve been alone a lot too and i continue to be humored, mystified and irritated with humans.  right now i am out of the city with abundant views of sunrise and sunset. how can i continue to re-wild while connecting in the city?  how can i continue to trust my body?  how can i express myself with other humans?
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I finally took a dance class.  It was great.  I can’t believe it’s been so long since I’ve danced like that.  I remember having some anger and frustration about how I haven’t danced for so long and that I respond differently now.  I was feeling a bit shy too.  Even though I had fire in my emotions while dancing, I was encouraged by the teacher to express my style and she was happy that we were just dancing to the beat!!!  I just kept dancing.  much like riding a wave until it’s over, I rode this fire of emotion until I got through to the other side.  Instead of not showing up or leaving the class or quitting….I kept dancing.  The class also got me thinking about how I feel afraid to express other parts of myself when I’ve already introduced a certain aspect of my personality to somebody or a community.  Sometimes people see me as one person, the way I’ve introduced myself or the way in which I am most of the time around them.  I desire to express more parts of my personality but am scared and can’t move those other parts of me….I guess like dancing.  I’m afraid of feeling judged or abandoned or misunderstood.  Really I want to be able to express any part of me at any time without feeling like I have to fit into any perception of me or reflect anybody’s personality or feel like I have to make somebody else feel ok. The same feeling I get when I can’t express myself with somebody is the same feeling I get when I want to dance but hold back.    In some ways, the ways I’ve held back may have been beneficial for growth but now I can feel like I’m holding back growth but it’s hard for me to access it.  basically I am tired of taking myself so seriously.  I think that’s it.  How do i balance serious and humorous?
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recently my dance has been in the form of conflict.  how do we engage with each others’ fire?  our passions and our anger?  how do we dance together as lovers when sometimes the fire burns us?  how do we stay warm and dry?  how do we maintain our own inner fires?  how do we honor each others’ fires?  how do we feed and appreciate each other?
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a friend had a dream about me recently.   i was drumming with my hoodie on, really zoned into the rhythm.  then all of a sudden i jumped up, pushed my hood back an started dancing to the beat.  even more i unzipped, flung my hoodie off and threw down.  my body and my spirit were on fire!!!  i was dancing like i’ve wanted too!!
i think that’s funny because i believe my friend was dreaming of my true spirit dancing.  i desire to dance like this but i feel held back internally and/or externally.  i was happy to know that my spirit is still dancing in dreams  🙂
Winter Solstice — Air
Blessings to you all in these times of deep change towards justice for black and brown people.
And justice for all people as we move towards healing.

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right before autumn equinox, i started having many vivid dreams.  i could feel myself tapping into my intuition and body wisdom more.  a couple nights before autumn began, the wind started blowing fiercely.  one of those nights, i was in bed reading my book before sleeping but could feel the pull of the wind.  i decided to get out of bed and go outside.  it was near new moon so the sky was dark and most of the lights were off.  i could see so many stars.  the weather was getting colder.

i stood outside under the stars, feeling the breeze move me.  I began moving with the breeze like a tree.  swaying in the direction that the wind was moving.  I began to understand some thing that had been happening in my life the past week.  i was beginning to realize the power around moving intuition/spirit communication down into my thoughts down into my voice down in my heart and down into manifestation.  realizing my dreams.  my work.  i was beginning to understand the power of movement through the wind.  thought-seeds traveling through space/time and planting themselves to grow.  i took off my shirt and began praying my thought-seeds of manifesting my dreams.  having new confidence and clarity and guidance through the wind.  everything was coming together.  i was remembering how to move with intuition again.
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i had a dream last night.  there were two important messages:
1) we are being trained in this system of control (secretly) to thrive in the forest.   those who have the knowledge are being kept in chains while the others play into the system just to survive the system.   when things fall apart we can return to the forest.  look for signs and messages and opportunities to gain skills to thrive in the forest.
2) in order to wake up, we need to set our alarms….or at least remember that we’ve already set our alarms.  so keep yours ears open!!
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dancing the element air…..following intuition.   trusting my body.
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I’ve been wearing a citrine bracelet and red bracelet from ceremony for a few weeks now.  i can feel how they are supporting me with my movement.  to act and to get up and to stay focused.
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how there might a breeze that flows through us and between us.  how this breeze moves us in subtle and unexpected ways.  inviting us to change and listen.  inviting us to to move, to turn around, to stop, to dance.  the voice of spirit.  the unseen.  we bend and sway like trees.  we are rooted in our selves.  we may fly far to seed ourselves.  we may need to let go of what no longer serves us.  the wind invites me in this time of dying.  welcome death and transformation.
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again the wind blew, the breeze of intuition and divine guidance.  leading me to where i always need to be, like holding the hand of a child or having the hand of a grandparent on my shoulder.  trusting this breeze to sacred community and ceremony.  hearing the call.  hearing the shaker and the rhythm.  hearing the pulse of mother earth’s heartbeat.  hearing the pains and grief around me.  hearing the hope.  sifting through endless inner dialogue and speaking of intuition, dreams, trust, resources and growth.  feeling grounded as my heart remains open.  going deeper into my own self.  trusting my vision and my heart and my feelings.  stepping into this place of uncertainty and darkness with a desire to keep my eyes open and look death/change/transformation in the eye.
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my intuition was strong and led me to flying to mexico in order to connect with strong medicine.  i experienced re-birth, emotional release, community, confidence, insight and growth.  again, i feel grounded and re-connected with my self.  it can be so much work to stay on my path and i forget who i am or where i’m at.  as i go deeper and listen to the winds of change/divine inspiration, life unfolds in beautiful and magical way.  and my broken heart heals by creating scars, it heals by continuing to beat like a drum, it heals by loving self and others.
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In this time of winter, change, transformation and death….I feel the winds moving within me and around me.  there is collective liberation on the horizon and it’s becoming clearer.
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today I had a conversation with a dear friend who was helping me with my grief around heart break.  instead of focusing on the image of the pieces of my heart floating around without a home, i was gifted an image of the broken pieces of my heart having the capacity to grow more roots and shift into strength.  Propagation.
I was also reminded of the power of between-the-worlds. this potent time in my heart and with love and with my transformation.  the time between vision and manifestation.  the journey.  this potent time of being present and active.  the wisdom of this moment that is always with us and may never get seen.  the webbing that connects all of life and the mycelium underneath our bare feet.  the space even between breaths.  the mystery.  the unknown.
what will I choose to do?  how will I surrender?
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Welcome long night.  Welcome deep darkness.  Welcome death.  Welcome transformation.  Welcome unknown.  Welcome strong winds of change.

Medicine Wheel 2013

Spring Equinox 2013

i’ve been working with the chakras and listening to my body.   during winter solstice, AIR really started speaking to me and i’ve been contemplating it since then.  as I write, the wind blows fiercely, moving and singing.
during the reclaiming solstice ritual at the beach, the wind was blowing me around and all the elements too.  i could really feel its presence. I felt so alive and surrendered to such force.  the next morning for sunrise ceremony i remember climbing a tree and holding on as the wind blew me around.  how strong and flexible can i be? later that evening for the coven solstice ritual, there were so many stories and words shared in community.   the day after solstice, i remember hearing the wind blowing the trees around and the rains came.    then the gregorian new year’s eve/day.   there was a specific person who i identify with air, and i was really feeling his medicine for those two days. in fact so many songs and words and prayers were shared and moved inside of me. my tears came rushing out.  the medicine really moved me and shook up my emotions but helped clear out stagnancy.
AIR in the chakras is heart (compassion, trust, intimacy) and i have been feeling so much with my heart these past few months and learning so many ways of loving!!!!   a shadow of the heart chakra is attachment and i’ve been doing work, specifically through meditation, of letting go.
here in Arizona, the wind speak to me.   it brings word from the southwest.   it moves the clouds above, I can see so many clouds and for such a long distance!  wind comes out of me through song and voice and breath.  bringing me back to the present moment.
mexica new year’s day was march 12th, sought guidance from tarot and also for new moons intentions and today.    Today on the vernal equinox I am connecting to Xipe Totec, an Aztec life-death-rebirth deity, god of agriculture, vegetation, the east, disease, spring.  shedding my skin and seeking balance.
A light healer suggested opening my Akashic records for further guidance so I am working with this.  looking at my inner council and medicine wheel.   figuring out how all the wheels and cogs and chains in my rhythmic life lines up.
like the wind traveling and bringing rain or the new year prayer tears ….I welcome water for the next three months.
con abrazos y mucho amor,
zabagua
Summer Solstice  2013
water.     how do I become water?
the animals here are very good at finding water.   there are so many lizards.  I love lizards, they are so wise.  I spoke to one the other day in the tomato greenhouse and everything turned to sand.    the monsoons come in july.  the land knows how to thirst and how to keep water hidden in the depths.
my  body sweats- the sun is hot.  there is a lake nearby, the rocks are gorgeous.  part of me misses the ocean — but I was close to insanity next to the ocean.

WATER: 3 ways to grow as a plant in the desert

1) xerophytes: alter your physical structure (like cacti who eliminates leaves for spines, store lots of water in their cell structures, prevent losing water by having waxy skin, protect self & water storage by having spines)
2) phreatophytes: develop long root structures (grow down to the water table where the water cannot evaporate, protected from being uprooted and high temperatures)
3) annuals “drought evaders”: live for a season then produce seed & die (growing season when it’s less hot and more water) …and
perennials “drought resisters”: live for a season then die off and regrow from same root structure (time growth according to the weather)
how am I protecting myself?
– taking space, closing my heart, not having sex, creating allies, using my tools
how am I developing long roots in the desert?
– I keep coming back, ask for permission to be here
how do I align myself with the seasonal pattern?
– colors, focus, questions, animals, elements, drum
I go to a regular meditation sit and the woman who leads it was talking about carl jung and a quote about the inherent polar opposites everything in life has and that tension to create balance, creates energy.   I have to agree that much of my life has been about creating balance in all sorts of ways.  she also talked about water and how in the desert, the water is mostly in the ground under our feet.  water evaporates quickly here and we need to drink water to replenish what we lose.  I thought about how I could feel the water beneath me like roots reaching deep into the earth searching for that cool running flow.
during a queer and earth-centered drumming ritual near the spring equinox, we were offered eggs from any direction we chose and with that released what we needed to from winter. I chose the west/water/blue egg- symbolizing a release from each direction:   East I let go of depression (free the mind), South I surrender & trust my heart (free the spirit), West I let go of unhealthy relationships (free the emotions), North I release shame of my body (free the body).
it is almost new moon.  the wind today was fierce and cold from the northwest, bringing rain.  it smelled so good and I thought of all of you near the ocean.  I started bleeding too.
spring: I’ve been greeting the sun every morning.  new beginnings, planting seeds.  flying high like an eagle and gaining perspective for a greater truth.  the sun is coming back, rebirthed.  bearing light.
how do i honor truth in my life?
– ritual, gratitude, share it, become it
how do i dishonor truth in my life?
Not listening to my heart and body. Being ungrateful.  Forgetting.
what vision or purpose do i follow in my life now?
Family.  Un-domesticating, not assimilating anymore, decolonizing. Connecting Back to the land, being free, loving
how am i or how can i be a visionary bringing inspiration of expanded possibilities?

Walking my heart’s path, living my truth, learning to unfold into true Expression, listening, aligning, balancing I made a medicine wheel of stones from the land.  it sits outside my RV.  the farmer called it my spiritual compass.

The Wheel:  as a child i participate.  I’ve participated for a long time and i will continue to do so in a more mindful way.  my masculineside– a part of myself that was in the forefront of my gender expression until recently.  i think about how sexism, fear, anger, culture, low self-esteem, rebellion and not wanting to grow up were influences on my masculinity. i see it playing out now as balance- a warrior, strength, queer, vision, action,  understanding, knowledge, father, grandfather, running, fearless, and being loud.  my spiritual self:  a self that has emerged slowly over many years, a self i am totally in love with, a self that i support and make space for. i acknowledge that i was given absolutely everything and i am grateful.  I’ve made mistakes and hurt so many people that i loved, including myself but I am thankful.  many lessons I learn as I continue on loving.  this body will not live forever yet it contains and essence of love and light that is immortal. that we’re all doing the best we can.  i am a powerful human being.

I am caretaking the herbs.   when I water them, their scent comes to me and dances around me.   there has been little rain and when it’s arriving, the winds change and the air smells so good.  I’ve also been water all the greenhouse plants early in the morning.

the moon- affecting the oceans, tides and emotions around & within us.

mostly my body and emotions are dry but like the desert monsoons to arrive soon, I cry in short waves.  from fear and loneliness in the desert.  from the mystery and unknown.  from keeping my heart open.  I am a very emotional creature.  I cry easily.  I have shame around crying so much.  I remember growing up, my aunts would cry very easily.  even my dad.  my dad told me that my emotions were a gift and with wisdom I can to channel them into passion.  use my gift of insight and align my heart and mind together.  sometimes I feel strong while crying- allowing the river of tears to fall and release my tension.  sometimes I feel weak while crying- vulnerable and without boundaries.

I went to a meditation retreat near Taos, NM.  the land called me home.  there were lakes and rivers and water from the sky.  now I am in arizona again and it’s getting so hot.  the sweat is always on my body.

another new moon and I am bleeding::  “working with spirit, I believe in and act with my heart & keep harmonious relationships with my inner and outer worlds”

the heat and the rains are coming together.  as I transition into summer I welcome fire.  fire in the sky!!  fire season on the earth!!! fire in my spirit!!   passion and transformation!!  I welcome the fire energy of strength and will power.

I’ve attached a sunflower that has recently opened for solstice!!!

gata fiera/Tortuga/zahabadin/zabuddha/chicahua yolotli

Autumn Equinox 2013

the other day a 4-year old friend named Elena asked me if I was a boy or a girl.  I said “both”.  equal day, equal night.
The heart is the place of union where the luminous consciousness is made….Humans existence must reach out to transcend the world of forms that conceal the ultimate reality.  This reality lives in the heart and must be set free at whatever cost…Thus to reach one’s heart, to possess oneself of it, mean to penetrate into spiritual life.  The operation is extremely painful, and that is why the heart is always represented as wounded, and why the drops of blood issuing from it are so significant that they alone are a sufficient symbol for it.

                                                -Laurette Sepurne Burning Water: Thought and Religion in Ancient Mexico

oh yes…  the heat.  like a sweat lodge in the sunlight.   in the light.  we are all here for each other.  we sing.  we pray.  we sweat.  the fire in the sky, grandfather fire.
to practice channeling my emotions (water) into action (fire), which looks like my overwhelming tears being re-directed into doing the things I need to be doing in order to be healthy.  activating and sustaining power coming from my body and connection to source.   hummingbird is helping me focus.
having focus, drive, strength and endurance.   fire energy.  keep going. burning away what doesn’t serve.
NEW MOON IN LEO!!!

I accept my inner rebirth: by living from my heart, loving my authentic self, and sharing what I have learned.

SOLAR PLEXUS
– what does commitment, personal power, self-motivation and health look like to me?
– how does anger, greed, being powerless, doubt and guilt manifest in my psyche/body/emotions/spirit?
– what do my warrior & servant archetypes look like?
– how can I heal my core beliefs, create new beliefs and love my self?
THUNDERSTORMS!!!! thanks you for your direct action, your power, your loudness, your contribution to the gardens, your rains, your winds, your connection to the earth, the fire you bring.
FULL MOON AQUARIUS!!!!
With confidence, self-love, and in the truth of my higher vibration, I break free and create moments of transformation for myself and all relations.
SOUTH
– how am I a healer?
– what teaches me about healing?
– what do I have faith in?
– what do I trust?
– how can I attune with my feelings and love?
– how does my shadow of destruction, denying, repressing or blocking show up?
I was thinking the other day as I was in the field, that my grandparents, uncles and aunties were so strong!  they worked in the fields as migrant workers.  I was thinking of them as I was in the field — channeling their strength and endurance and love of the land.
so much fire inside of me!!   my body became exhausted from the heat  and was on fire, too hot.  sweat in taos and I asked about my purpose and remembered to be the example, be the living ancestor, be the medicine.  my tooth caught on fire, in pain for days, remember to take care of the body. allergies from yellow flowers trying to get out. became sick, full of mocos, coughs and body aches.  blood coming out of my body, red and hot, back into the earth, fire in the belly.
New Moon in Virgo!

As children of the earth we plant seeds of wholeness by knowing ourselves and sharing our love and light. As agents of change & growth, we continue our powerful healing work through staying balanced, present and grounded. 

coming back to the Earth.  welcome earth.  I will have one more at winter solstice!!
full moon in pisces:::
I had a dream that I needed to rescue a hippo from drowning in water after a monsoon.   also, I had a dream of intensely communicating with cats with my third eye.
Winter Solstice 2013
I transitioned back to the bay area at autumn equinox.  I felt grounded and cleansed from the desert.  I felt focused and clear about my direction.  the ocean breeze, the traffic, the queer activist cultures, the pace….all felt familiar and welcoming.  like a rushing river I had to hit the water swimming!!
at the same time, as I was acclimating back to east bay, I was also speaking to people of my time in the desert and knew that I had to move back in a more permanent way.  the pendulum swings are slowing down and I am coming home.  in my body, on the land, with other humans, with life.
yet…. as a mixed race person with ancestors coming from both desert and ocean, how do I balance my connections to land and social life?  I am the bridge that my ancestors have created.  I am the activism…of working out the diversities and being whole in myself.  I am the internal and external peace negotiations.  i am sword of compassion.  I care for this body as I care for mama earth.  I rise up from the earth, in my rootedness and the blood & stardust of my ancestors.  I continue to rise with my branches towards the light, being strong for the children to learn from and take shelter.
when I am in new mexico, I am part of a drum & dance community.  it keeps me grounded and passionate.  I recently started drumming in Oakland and I feel more connected to the earth and the people.  I am in a space right now…in between space where I am contemplating moving back to my spiritual home.  asking why do I need to be near the ocean?  asking why I’ve needed to travel for so long and will continue to do so in different ways.   asking what gifts I’ve received and how I can support my communities.
as I walk, my body shifts side to side balancing compassion as I go from one world to the other.  I can feel how I transition all of my weight through the mystery and into the other world.  as I walk, I move from the past into the future.  I let go of what is behind me while being supported in my vision.  Trust.  my feet come off the ground and sense an anti-gravity/enlightenment freedom before returning home on mama earth.  east west.  north south.  above below.  I remain centered.   hoka hey!  it is a good time to die!
 it was my birthday in late October and i offered ritual all day to myself and my friends.  it was great to see who showed up and who was representing that element or direction or intention.  i felt witnessed on my spiritual path. i felt supported in my creativity.  i felt grounded in my needs.  i felt seen with my desires.  i desire to create more ritual, not knowing how that will manifest or what it will look like.  the more i participate in ritual, the more i see that i am creating a world separate from white supremacy, birthed by the need for liberation and creating the necessary pathway that will lead me to the earth and  stars.
i had a dream last night.  it’s new moon scorpio.  it’s dia de los muertos.  i’m in my element.  down into the earth, into my dreams, into my shadow.  i had a dream of bees and wasps and yellowjackets.  when i awoke i found myself working next to the bees.  i saw them all day.  i went to a friend’s house and met a person who was working with the bees.  we connected like family like star family and earth family and we talked about the desert and rivers and prophecy.  the veil is thin and i met a wise grandmother caring for the bees.  a beautiful elder who reminded me of love and mystery in everything.  of letting go of human form.  of being in the earth.  of soul mates dancing in every little thing in life and changing forms constantly.  to keep my heart and eyes and ears open for TRUTH.  to follow my heart’s path even when my body hurts or when my mind is convincing me of other things.  clear reflections.  bees buzzing prayers around their sweetness and divinity.
the fire from the summer has helped me focus on my vision and act without shame or guilt or doubt.  the fire has helped me love how i want and can love in this moment, while also remaining centered in who i really am in this moment.  to stay connected with my inner fire, desires, passions, anger, sadness AND grounding.  working with it in my body and in this world.  in love and receptive to the wind messenger, dancing with it.  moving the waters with tears of grief.  creating action out of my emotional tools.  and grounding my passions and angers into the earth.  coming full circle.  coming home again.  into the darkness and mystery and mother and healing and death.  living and dying again and again and again and again.  inviting the death of our ancestors and our selves.  sleeping.  forgetting.  remembering.  loss.  how does this pain help me grow?  my heart expands.  my heart hurts. my heart is so grateful.
I am beginning to recognize the transition into darkness.  should i remember that light will return, or completely immerse myself inside?  there are tools I can use to balance or keep me from disappearing…but I know what intensity is with my emotions and my mind.  walking on the edge of insanity and asking to go deeper within myself to find a Truth that may never be complete.  I sing and I talk and I write and I run and I grieve and I dance and I cry and I love and I drum and I eat.  I feel alone and loneliness is a companion.  I feel lost and my compass is alive in reflection.   as I continue to walk my path I see that I am feeling opposite like the full moon reflecting the sun, one rising as the other sets.   inner summer.  outer winter.  passing between worlds like crow medicine. there is no such thing as time.
I notice.   going in to the darkness there are fire spirits in my life and I am grateful.  the candles burning bright- flames of justice.   I sit by the fire and rub my cold hands together, remembering to fight.
oh elements!!   gratitude.  grounded in knowledge of sweet love.  clear reflection.  I see myself in you.   I want to continue to see myself so I will do the work to be seen.  I love love love.  receive love.  listen!   hear spirit coming through.  make that choice to stay connected.  to remember.  I see me in you.  I see me.  clear reflection.  the ocean is below us.  the ocean is above us.  the stars are above us.  the stars are below us.   no separation.    continuing to birth into self and truth.  pushing.  asking for help.  move it through.   an orgasm.  sex magic.
relatives!!    people of the earth.  people of the stars.  dream with me.  fight with me.  love with me.  I see you.  I hear you.
yes!  the fire is grounded.  the passion.  the (self) love.  full circle coming back and working on the earth.  the sun reaching the soil.  the trees continue to reach up.   fighting to survive.

thank you earth medicine star medicine.  into the depths of night, wildcat walks to the ocean and declares love.  looking up to the stars, body opens up.  feet rooted in the earth, ocean in the belly, heart open, stars in the mind.  remember the stars…the future.  the past.  now.  wings outstretch.  eagle jaguar.  merging.  warrior medicine.  into the darkness again coming home death rebirth.  circles wheels bicycles walking.  again and again and again. in and out.  bring back the messages.   embody the messages.  break down the messages.  I am ready.  reflection.  reflecting my Self.  I see.  I see the pyramid planting seeds.  I see the eagle rising.  I see the stars unbound.  cutting through this world with machete, piercing through the veil of illusion.  my heart.  surrender to heart.
insights and outsights from a meditation retreat:
1st door:  AIR. strong bird medicine.  strong cold wind.  beauty of spaces between allowing for closer connection.  wise intentions– commitments.  wisdom: the balance of receptivity and presence.  “drink the sacrament of deep time”.
2nd door:  FIRE.  sexual dreams.  sun touching my skin. sex energy as powerful & creative queer magick.  anger & sadness holding hands into transition within my strong & vulnerable heart.  balance the spiritual & political through activation of love.  wise effort– continuing to return to awareness & kindness.
3rd door:  WATER.   sun-kissed dew arising from the land dancing.  clear reflection:  stay present.  keep practicing.  devour and be devoured. . becoming.  sharing.  tears of gratitude.  seeing this Self in you.  “when we are suffering we are in ownership”.  turn towards the pain & ignorance in order to heal our selves heal this earth.    wise speech– silence.  voice arising from my heart.  silence.
4th door:  EARTH.  a dream of me y mi abuela y mis tias making tamales.  coming home to my body. welcome home.  awareness of my drum beat/heart beat buffalo medicine.  teaching and being taught.  “holding our pain allows us to hold pain of others”.  a family of red-tailed hawks.   wise livelihood– healing.  sound.  sex.  presence.  body.  ritual.  play.  love.
5th door: SPIRIT.  transitions.  fear.  community.  breath.  love.  balance.  deer tracks on the path towards the altar. wise understanding–  dancing with diversities. spiritual warrior.
=====
grounded in ritual.
grounded in love.
grounded in body.
grounded in commitment.
grounded in earth.
grounded in drum.
into the mystery
xo

Nomadic Desert Journey- Méjico Nuevo

the desert brings me closer to my nomadic Aztec cat ancestors.  and to the colors, earth, body, language, food, answers, stars, rhythms, and laughter.  there is that sacred space that exists here and contains so much.

I haven’t lived (in a permanent way) in new mexico for 7 years, but I have visited off and on.  Every time I return, I know that I want to be there for a long time.  Méjico Nuevo is one of my long-term relationships, and we’re also long-distant lovers.  There’s a sense of clarity, groundedness and freedom that I receive.  I am able to perceive my life with perspective.  My understanding is that there is an exchange of gifts- I open up to receive the healing and in return whenever I visit I bring the lessons and strengths and questions that I’ve acquired.  It’s a good trade.

I’m working at helping to build a magickal bridge between Santa Fe and Oakland.  The desert and the ocean.  I’ve already met others who are doing the same.  It’s bridge work that I’m doing in other ways in my life- to counteract ways in which this society & culture can create separations.

So…I’ve been here in the desert since the end of july.  Total 7 weeks!   I’ve been surrounded by musical community- drum and dance.  I’ve been surrounded by children and i’m a pretty good auntie.  I’ve been surrounded by the mountains and the thunderstorms and the piñons and chiles.  Friendship and love and burritos and intuition and abundance!  This is my Spiritual Home and I am grateful.

7 years ago I went to the rain forest.  While there I told people that I was on my way back to the desert.  I finally made it!  in the meantime these past years, I found amazing spirit and activist people-community near the ocean and I am blessed.  So I am between the worlds.  Between the desert and the ocean.  Balance.  Acceptance.  Living my heart’s path.  Continuing to walk the labyrinth.  Keep walking and supporting each other in this sacred life.  Continue to move towards freedom and liberation.  Continue to receive and share.

Nomadic Desert Journey – Arizona

I left the bay area at the end of February. I was both hesitant and relieved. My home base for the last 7 years has been the west coast. I left the desert (new mexico) in 2006 to follow love that lived in the rain forest. There are so many amazing experiences I’ve had on the west coast: community, rain, food justice, social justice, strong ocean medicine, growth. I am becoming aware of my love for both rain forest and desert and I desire to be in relation with both. I think how it relates to being mixed race and where my ancestors have come from- near the North Sea and as nomadic desert folks in the Americas. It makes sense for me to embrace both.

I was accepted to farm in Arizona and was there for nearly 5 months. I appreciated being farther away from the city and living at a pace that felt comfortable, getting up early and working outside every day. This is how I want to be. This is how I grew up. This is how my ancestors lived. It makes sense to me. It felt good to be able to watch the sun rise and the sun set. I also felt like some things had come full circle and I was in a space that was allowing me to let go. The farm, town and environment reminded me of how I grew up in a small, rural, white, Christian, republican, farming town in eastern Montana. The people who lived on the farm reminded me of my white family. I felt like I had just stepped into a time machine and gone back in time but now I was carrying tools for me to work with after being in activist and empowering communities. While on the farm I went back and forth between feeling small or unable to move, and ready to speak up or express my true self. It was hard for me but I wanted to experience everything around me as a reflection and a teacher and an opportunity to continue my growth. I’ve been doing a lot of work around my anger and disconnection with my white family.

I left for a couple of weeks while in Arizona for a meditation retreat in new mexico. Retreats have become more of a regular spiritual practice for me. when I arrived in new mexico, I felt like I had arrived home again. I have this deepening relationship with new mexico and my heart and body were feeling at home. When I was on the land for the meditation retreat, I was continually reminded of land I used to live on in western Montana and again I felt at home. During the retreat I was able to gain some clarity about manifesting my vision. By the time I got back to Arizona I realized I needed to go back to new mexico and told the farmer that I would leave.

pilgrimage to México

how do i explain con palabras? there are mucho things i saw, heard, smelled, tasted and felt. i was scared. i was in awe. i touched briefly upon the genocide that happened hundreds of years ago to the indigenous peoples of mexico that they still carry today. i saw behind glass walls small examples of culture. i visited sites that hold mystery and history. my trip was brief, pero mi corazón was being pulled.

let me explain the real reasons and deeper experience that i had:::

i grew up with my grandparents in my life and from this side of the family a mexican culture. mis abuelos meant so much to me and i felt like they were an elder set of parents. what grandparents communicate with their grandchildren is a sacred language that i was fortunate enough to have. they taught me subtle things about life and held love for me that i carry with me still. and my understanding of family goes beyond this because i know and see how my parents and my own human life are symbolically interconnected with the universe through the earth, stars and elements.

for the past 14 años since they’ve died, i’ve been seeking ways to stay connected with them through dreams, conversations, prayers and just living. my pilgrimage a México was a way to honor mis abuelos y ancestors. my first stop was visiting family- my grandfather’s living siblings and their families. then i dug deeper. i went to a pre-columbian pyramid amongst hundreds of other mexicans on spring exquinox and felt the wind and sun and dust. and i dug deeper. i looked and looked and found people living in at least two different worlds and honoring their past while surviving in the present. i read of myths and gods and saw artifacts. and i dug deeper. a family spoke to me of their dreams and visions. and i dug deeper. i found the heart of mexico- a sacred site of the aztecs and other groups. i was looking for the root and a connection with my ancestors. at this sacred place i prayed to experience my roots. within two weeks, in two sacred and indigenous ceremonies, i opened my heart to both grandfather and grandmother medicine.

grandfather taught me about connection beginning from the smallest essence of life and covering everything like a web. about fire. about song. about community. about honoring those that carry sacred medicine. about light in the darkness.

grandmother taught about darkness. about deep, deep wisdom. about letting go of what is not necessary. about being held. about honoring the earth. about gratitude.

so….i emerge from the depths of mexico with gratitude and vision. coming full circle, spiraling upwards.
a vision to continue honoring ancestors.
and gratitude:::
gracias espíritu.
gracias estrellas.
gracias sueños.
gracias la madre tierra.
gracias abuelos- te amo mucho.
jose santiago angel (1902-1995)
sara luna angel (1920-1997)

library love

here is a list of libraries i remember being at (in chronological order):::

1. sidney elementary library (sidney, mt)
2. sidney public library (sidney, mt)
3. sidney middle school (sidney, mt)
4. sidney senior high school library (sidney, mt)
5. montana state university library (billings, mt)
6. parmly billings library (billings, mt) – city library
7. flathead county library-bigfork branch (bigfork, mt)
8. st john’s college– annapolis greenfield library (annapolis, md)
9. austin public library – pleasant hill branch (austin, tx)
10. austin public library- faulk central library (austin, tx)
11. st. john’s college- meem library (santa fe, nm)
12. santa fe public library (santa fe, nm)
13. college of santa fe- fogelson library (santa fe, nm)
14. college of santa fe – chase art history library (santa fe, nm)
15. santa fe public library – oliver la farge library (santa fe, nm)
16. timberland regional library (olympia, wa)
17. seattle central public library (seattle, wa)
18. seattle public library – fremont branch (seattle, wa)
19. seattle public library – greenwood branch (seattle, wa)
20. seattle public library – greenlake branch (seattle, wa)
21. king county library – north bend branch (north bend, wa)
22. seattle public library – university branch (seattle, wa)
23. seattle public library – ballard branc (seattle, wa)
24. seattle public library – montlake branc (seattle, wa)
25. greenwood elementary – (seattle,wa)
26. madrona elementary school (seattle,wa)
27. seattle public library – douglass-truth branch (seattle, wa)
28. seattle public library – capitol hill branch (seattle, wa)
29. seattle public library – south park branch (seattle, wa)
30. lopez island library (lopez island, wa)
31. tillamook county library (tillamook, or)
32. port orford public library (port orford, or)
33. humboldt county library – eureka main library (eureka, ca)
34. san francisco main library (san francisco, ca)
35. san francisco public library- glen park branch (san francisco, ca)
36. san francisco public library – mission branch (san francisco, ca)
37. oakland public library – piedmont branch (oakland,ca)
38. oakland public main library (oakland, ca)
40. california college of the arts – meyer library (san francisco, ca)
41. oakland public library – lakeview branch (oakland, ca)
42. berkeley public library (berkeley, ca)
43. san francisco public library – harvey milk branch (san francisco, ca)
44. chicago main library (chicago, il)
45. central rappahannok regional library – headquarters branch (fredericksburg, va)
46. buncombe county public library – pack memorial branch (asheville, nc)
47. madison county public library – hot springs branch (hot springs, nc)
48. madison county public library – marshal central library branch (marshall, nc)
49. hennepin county library – walker branch (minneapolis, mn)
50. hennepin county library – minneapolis central library (minneapolis, mn)
51. round rock public library (round rock, tx)
52. seattle public library – northeast branch (seattle, wa)
53. eugene public library – downtown library (eugene, or)
54. marin county free library – bolinas branch (bolinas, ca)
55. marin county free library – point reyes station branch (pt reyes station, ca)
56. santa cruz public library (santa cruz, ca)
57. santa clara county library – los gatos branch (los gatos, ca)
58. josé vasconcelos national library – (ciudad de mexico, mexico)
59. seattle public library – beacon hill branch (seattle, wa)
60. pentwater township library (pentwater, mi)
61. ludington library (ludington, mi)
62. red lodge carnegie library (red lodge, mt)
63. missoula public library – main library (missoula, mt)
64. vancouver public library – britannia branch (vancouver, bc, canada)
65. vancouver public library – central branch (vancouver, bc, canada)
66. multnomah county library – Kenton branch (portland, or)
67. multnomah county library – Hollywood branch (portland, or)
68. berkeley public library – south branch (berkeley, ca)
69. Berkeley public library – tool lending library (Berkeley, ca)
70. Oakland public library – cesar e. chavez branch (Oakland, ca)
71. Oakland public library – west Oakland branch (Oakland, ca)
72. Yavapai library network – chino valley public library (chino valley, az)
73. Yavapai library network – Prescott public library (Prescott, az)
74. Albuquerque Bernalillo county library – main branch (Albuquerque, nm)
75. Pueblo of Pojoaque public library – (Pojoaque, NM)

Community

From Texas  I was invited to Sun Dance.  My role was supportive.  I was on the outside looking in as usual.  I was scared of being social.  I was scared of making mistakes.  I felt grounded in the ceremony.  I loved being outdoors.  I felt a part of community at times.  I was honored to be welcomed.

 

From Chicago   I went to the Radical Queer Convergence.  I felt awkward.  I felt anti-social.  I felt comfortable.  I felt like I could be myself.  I felt like I was holding back.  I felt like I belonged but didn’t.  I was on the edge of the circle.   Just to be around  this community was good.  I felt empowered.  I felt safe at times.  I was honored to be able to listen and participate with the rest of the sharing.  Workshops I took ::

  1. Public Sex- defining sex, defining  public, breaking out of the closet with sex , our culture and public display of emotion, making people uncomfortable
  2. Joining Together So That You Can Move (Anti-Oppression) – this workshops was in 3 parts but I only went to the first one–>going over how individually we have been either oppressed or oppressive and how we connected that in a larger sense with community
  3. BDSM panel discussion (redefining BDSM for a radical context) – hearing folks in the BDSM community talk about their roles and answer questions, discussing patriarchy/power play/ heirarchy/ social roles
  4. GenderQueer caucus – defining genderqueer,  discussing needs/ pronouns/roles
  5. AIDS, Intellectual Property & Global Activism– watched film Patent Fever, discussed film
  6. Freaks, Geeks & Dancing Girls – faciltator didn’t show up so the group discussed the topic: origin and politics of the sideshow/circus/ sexual deformity/fetish/midwifery/burlesque
  7. Multi-racial/POC (light-skinned) caucus – dicussing our backgrounds
  8. Queer Alchemy –  the facilitator did not show up so we discussed as a group queer mythology & spiritual roles and cultural appropriation
  9. Direction Action: Sustainabilty or Death – presenters discussed roles in Gay Shame SF and Gender JUST, what has/ has not worked around organizing for direct action, security culture and accountabilty
  10. Takin’ It Back: Gentrification & Squatting – presented by South Florida United Queers & Trans, discussing role as radical queers staying connected to various communities adn staying accountable to privilege
  11. Fatphobia – feminism, eroticizing, sexism, health, activism
  12. Buildling a Radical Queer Network – report back and discussion about late-night event during convergence
  13. Caucus Report Back –  POC, multi-racial, white-auxillary, trans, genderqueer, womyns, mens auxillary, Jewish

Thoughts from the Desert

Looking back on bicycle trip from Seattle to San Francisco:

I left in a hurry and I had prepared myself the best I could.  I had a firm wall up against fear and disappointment.  I tried a bike trip 5 years earlier from Austin, TX going west towards Santa Fe and maybe California.  I was riding a single-speed steel-framed beautiful beast with LOTS of crap.  I didn’t make it.  There were things that got in my way more in my mind than my body.  I snuck out of Seattle knowing that good weather was on its way.  The fact that my job everyday was going to be cycling towards sunny San Francisco made me happy.  The only thing that I ever stressed out about was finding a home every night because I had not planned anything. 

Riding through Washington was more about getting out quickly.  The roads were pretty mellow, not too hilly.  Once I got into Oregon and on the pacfic coast bike trail, I saw lots of signs for bikes, more bikers and more congestion.  Seeing the ocean made me happy. 

I was very lonely at times but I tend to deal with that fairly well.  I grew up mostly alone and considered myself an only child.  If I’m not by myself sometimes I pretend I’m invisible anyway.  I thought about most of the people in my life up til now, people I connected with in Seattle, family, lovers.  I thought about how I was hanging on to certain relationships with anybody, how that relationship was either healthy or not, and understanding how to let people go in my life that I did not need.  I thought about how I’m in a transitional period right now in my life and not hiding behind certain things that I hid behind in my 20’s.  I thought about things I learned about myself when I felt in love with people.  I thought about dreams I’ve had that I want to fulfill.  I felt both free and tied to the past/future.

I cursed the mountains because they were so big to bike up and over, the rain because I was so sick of the NW rain, the wind because it kept me from going faster, the sun if I was too hot, my body if it ached, my mind if it complained, the cycle of the day when it came to be dark because I was afraid, the temperature if it was not perfect and all the crap I thought I needed on my bike because it was just more weight.  I thought about the weight I carried in my mind too and on my body and shedding all of that in my travels.

I tended not to talk to too many folks….as usual, but there were folks who traveled too and we understood each other.  The farther south I went on my trip, the more people weren’t so surprised by me biking such a distance.    The farther south I went, I heard more Spanish and I saw more round brown people.  This made me happy.   I felt tough the more I rode and more excited to finish my first leg of the trip.  Alot of people thought I was badass as well.  Maybe it was because I was female, or alone, or hauling all my crap. 

Staying in San Francisco for a week was great.  I felt like I had just made my queer pilgrimage to the gay holy land.  I had minimal expectations about who I’d stay with both in San Francisco and Santa Fe and both times turned out differently.  I stayed with Emma in California and Claire in New Mexico.  I got to know them better and it was a blessing for sure.  My bike getting stolen…as soon as I saw that it was missing…was a blessing I knew for sure.  

The desert is subtle in its healing ways.  I needed to be here and I’ve missed it nearly everyday since leaving 3 years ago.  I’ve soaked up the sun and the open sky and the orange earth and the dry dry dry.  I’ve soaked naked in the mountains, rode a borrowed bike everywhere, met beautiful people, played lots of drum, felt like I didn’t need to be anywhere else, and connected again.  Again I had expectations but this time was completely different and wonderful.  Life is an adventure.   It’s a trip.

I’ve been dreaming funny dreams lately.  Maybe it’s the ginko.  I’m trying to be here in the moment, while carrying all the past and future in my mind, body and heart.  I meet myself, in various forms, everyday.  I’m grateful and enlightened.  I love exploring change, life, connection, the land, people.  I feel strong, free and empowered.

Seattle to San Francisco (logistics)

I left Seattle on Friday, 3 April and rode my bike from Casa Luna to the catch the Bremerton ferry.  The day was gloomy and drizzly and I just wanted to get out.  I had anticipated summer for so long and there was a patch of good weather coming so I wanted to take advantage of that. I missed the first one and caught the 11:15am one.   I ate an apple in Bremerton and took off  on highway 3-south, briefly on 101-south and finally on 108-west until around 6:00pm and stayed on an old ranch that was turned into a wildlife sanctuary between Kamilche & McCleary.  I biked about 40 miles.  I stayed in my backpacking solo tent for the first time and when I woke up there was frost on everything.  The high was 48 and the low was 33.   There was some scattered showers.

Saturday,4 April: second day.  I left between 7a-8a going west on highway 108 until I met with 101-south.  I biked about 58 miles and stayed on a bay view construction site, inside of an open garage.  The high was 59 and the low was 30.  Some rain.

Sunday,5  April: third day.  I left early again south on 101, crossed into Oregon around noon and found my way onto the Oregon Coast Bike Trail.  It felt great to bike into another state and keep pushing forward.  I had this drive behind me to get away from Seattle as fast as possible, which led to me not enjoying some things along the way. I camped in the Nehalem State Park in Manzanita, Oregon.  Before getting there I had met another biker going south outside of Astoria and ended up camping in the same spot with him that night.  Dave was with his bicycle “Blueberry” and on his way to see his sister south of San Francisco.  He shared his raspberries and corn chips. I took my first shower since leaving!!  I had biked 60 miles.  The high was 63 and low was 40.

Monday, 6 April: fourth day.  I left Mazanita around 8:00a and hauled butt to Tillamook because I needed to mail back a bunch of crap that was too heavy for me to carry.  I got there around noon and hung out a bit.  I snuck into Devil’s Lake State Park in Lincoln City, Oregon to sleep.  I met a couple camping too who were doing a loop trip from Portland.  I had biked 73 miles.  The high was 71 and low was 33.  Clear day.

Tuesday, 7 April: fifth day.  I left Lincoln City early and rode to Alder Dune Campground which is just north of Florence and west of Eugene.  I was exhausted and thought they had hiker/biker rates but it was $20.  There was a dyke couple from Arizona who I had talked to and when they heard how much I had to pay they covered for me.  The ranger also pitched in free firewood for me because the person who had bought it left it behind.  I had biked 66 miles.  The high was 53 and low was 37.  There was some showers.

Wednesday, 8 April: sixth day.  I knew that rain was coming but chanced it.  I ended up getting pretty soaked and cold but happy.  I biked to Coos Bay and stayed in a motel.  By the time I got the Coos Bay my knees were really sore and I’m sure that was a combination of cold/rainy weather and bad alignment on the bike.  I rode 41 miles.  The high was 52 and low 46. 

Thursday, 9 April: seventh day.  I stayed in Coos Bay and rested, going to the library and store.  I ended up walking/biking to Bastendorff Beach in Charleston, Oregon which was about 10 miles away.  I snuck into the county park because the fee was $30.  It was pretty drizzly all day.  High was 50 and low 41.

Friday, 10 April: 8th day.  I left early and biked slowly away through Bandon (which was beautiful) to Humbug Mountain State Park just south of Port Orford.  I had good dreams.  I biked about 54 miles.  The high was 52 and low 41.  It was a great sunny day but with a cold wind.

Saturday, 11 April: 9th day.  I left Humbug early and rode to Harris Beach State Park in Brookings, Oregon.  My knees were feeling alright but rain was coming so I decided to rest and take a day off.  I biked 46 miles.  The high was 52 and low 43. 

Sunday, 12 April: 10 day.  (Easter) I stayed in Brookings and saw the easter bunny walking down the main road.  I played pool and saw ‘Monsters vs Aliens’.  There was a creepy guy in the movie theatre.  I ate vegetables.  No biking, just walking.  It rained most of the day. 

Monday, 13 April: 11th day.  I left early and made it to the C alifornia border within a couple of hours.  I was so excited!!  I was happy to leaving Oregon behind.  I got into Crescent City by noon and got some food at the co-op then headed towards a camp but after cruising down that big fat hill I decided to stay at the Redwood Hostel.   I got there around 1:00p but they let me in early (before 4:00) because I was a biker.  It was awesome and my first experience in a hostel.  I felt like I was at Casa Luna again and made dinner and chilled out.  I did my laundry for the first time.  I totally recommend staying there if traveling through.  I had biked 45 miles.  High was 52 and low 41.  It was a good day.

Tuesday, 14 April: 12th day.  I left early and biked through the Redwoods National Park (yes!!) to camp about 5 miles north of Eureka.  At some point around here I met up with a gang of older bicycling dudes who drove vans from San Francisco and were taking turns biking south.  They were awesome and I saw them every day until my last day into S.F.  I think today was when I got my first flat, I ran over a staple. Today I had biked about 57 miles.  The high was 50 low was 37.  It was crazy windy and cold, but I ended up in the outdoor hot tub and soaked my knees.

Wednesday, 15 April 13th day.  I left early for Eureka to spend my morning here and bought food at the co-op (amazing you should stop there when traveling through) and to the library. I continued on to stay at Myers Flat which is at the south end of Humboldt Redwoods State Park.  This campground was the first time that there was no dew on anything in the morning and the ground was not soggy from rain.  I biked 56 miles.  The high was 55, low 32. 

Thursday, 16 April: 14th day.  I left early and finally got on Highway 1 that afternoon.  There is a crazy curvy road right after getting onto the 1 but’s fun as hell going down it on a bike.  Highway 1 was pretty chill- even though there wasn’t a lot of space for bicycles the cars were moving slowly and there weren’t a lot of tourists in RVs yet.  After being inland for so long it was good to see the ocean again. I met a guy along the way who was heading north to Vancouver, B.C. from the Napa Valley area.  I arrived at MacKerricher State Park in Cleone that evening.  I biked 80 miles. The high was 70 and low was 34.  Oh yeah, here comes the heat.

Friday, 17 April: 15th day. I left early and headed towards Salt Point State Park, north of Jenner.  I had biked 82 miles.  The high was 75, low 38.

Saturday, 18 April: 16th day.  left early through lots of beautiful fog for most of the morning and stayed in Olema.  There were lots of crazy bicyclists everywhere going on weekend rides, surfer, and travelers.  Lots of cool places to go and I really liked biking through Point Reyes Station.  I biked 73 miles.  High 79 low 43.

Sunday, 19 April: 17th and final day!! left early and was so damn excited.  Felt like it was the hottest day ever and the road would never end.  There’s a great bike route from Marin City/Sausalito to get across the Golden Gate Bridge.  There was tons of bicyclists and one side of the bridge on Sundays was bikes only.  I made my way across and pulled out the map once I got into San Francisco.  As I was looking at it, a biker helped me get there halfway via bike routes and I figured out the rest with his directions.  I made it to Emma’s apartment by early afternoon.  I biked 36 miles.   High was 86, low 52.

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